|
 How
to Find Love That Will Last a Lifetime
By Kurt and Marla Johnson
Before I (Marla) found the love of my life, I would ask
people who seemed happy in their marriage: “How did you find him/her?”
Or “How did you know he/she was the ONE?”
Many times the couple would answer, “You just KNOW!”
My question would always be: “But HOW did you
know?” 
Sometimes their answers left me confused.
My friend, Eva, and I would discuss this at length, trying to understand
the “magic” of finding the right person.
We read a lot of books, and at times became even more confused.
Do you wonder if you’ll ever find “the ONE”??
Are you afraid of making a mistake in your choice of a mate?
Or maybe you’ve seen too many marriages fail, and are discouraged with
the whole concept of marriage.
Although this subject is broad enough to be addressed in
book form, we are going to present some ideas here which helped us, and others
we know, find “THE ONE”.
1.
Become a Christian, and live by God’s principles
For those of you who aren’t Christians, you may wonder
why we’ve put this first. “What does believing in God or being a Christian
have to do with having a good marriage?” you may ask.
First, we are not saying that non-Christians cannot have a decent
marriage. Also, we are painfully
aware of the statistics that show that “Christian” marriages end in divorce
just as often as other marriages in American society.
(More on that in a minute.)
But for marriage to be the best it can be, and to have
the best chance of success, it must be built on the foundation of Jesus Christ.
Here’s why:
God
created you, and He also created marriage.
In order to experience life the way God intends it to be, we must live
according to His directions. If we
try to live any way we want, it’s like thinking that any old road will lead us
to a specific place - it just doesn’t work.
Your destination: a great and fulfilling marriage.
Your road: a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.
Marriages are built on love.
God wrote the book on love (the Bible).
In fact, God is love.
(1 John 4:16). He loves you and me with a kind of love that is so deep, so
passionate, that we may never fully understand it. It’s the kind of love that seems “too
good to be true”. When we
receive this love from God through a relationship with Him through Jesus Christ,
we can then give to others some of the very same kind of love. God wants to
fill us with a love for our spouse that transcends human love.
This is the God-kind of love.
3
Characteristics of “the God-kind of love” that are essential to a good
marriage
- Unconditional
love. Most
“love” we see today is conditional.
Conditional love says, “I love you (as long as you continue
to make me happy, or at least as long as it remains convenient for me to
love you).” Unconditional
love says, “I love you no matter what.
You can’t earn it, and there’s nothing you can do to deserve it.
I choose to love you, and nothing is ever going to change that.”
God is the source of true, unconditional love. That’s the way He loves you and me.
When we receive that love from God, we can then love others the same
way. You won’t be able to
truly, unconditionally love your spouse without having the love of God
poured out in your heart by the Holy Spirit. (Romans 5:5)
Marriages built on unconditional love are happy, fulfilling
marriages.
- Commitment.
God promises that He will never leave us or forsake us. (Hebrews
13:5) Likewise, God created
marriage to be a commitment for life. That’s
the way a Christian should approach marriage.
Too many marriages are begun with the underlying understanding that
if things get difficult, divorce is always an option.
“Sometimes things just don’t work out as planned, right?”
Here’s the problem: there are always going to be
difficulties in life. There are
going to be issues that need to be worked through and forgiven in every
marriage. But if the marriage
is not founded on a deep sense of commitment, then every time things get
tough, the marriage partners start thinking about how they might be happier
elsewhere – they may even mention the possibility of divorce.
This is extremely harmful to a marriage, because it undermines
commitment, which is a key foundation of any marriage.
When two people are truly committed to each other, they are
implicitly committed to working through their problems, not running from
them. It’s always more
comfortable in the short term to run from a painful situation, isn’t it?
With a real commitment to each other, both partners know that they
are “on the same team” -
and both are willing to work through any issues that come up.
And there is no problem that God can’t remedy!
- Unselfish
love. Our culture
teaches us to put ourselves first and to focus on making ourselves happy.
But the Bible teaches something different.
True love is unselfish -
it puts the interests of the other person first.
“This is how we know what love is:
Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.
And we ought to lay down our lives for each other.” (1 John 3:16)
Can you imagine the joy we would experience in marriage if both
partners were truly more interested in serving the other rather than
himself/herself? It’s within
our grasp – but only when both partners have the transforming power of
Jesus Christ in their lives.
For more information on becoming a Christian, click
here.
So it’s not enough just to go to church and “do the
Christian thing”. As we
mentioned above, the divorce rate for people who identify themselves as
“Christians” is about the same as for non-Christians.
However, the divorce rate for committed, obedient Christians who believe
the Bible and practice what it says, is much lower than the national average. That’s
where the difference lies – not just professing Christianity but LIVING it.
If we can learn to let this God-kind of love start working in our
lives…the divorce courts would go out of business.
Too many people go to church, but they don’t practice the principles.
They carry their Bible, but they don’t apply its message to their own
lives. Jesus said that those people
are building their house on the sand. When
the storms come, the house crashes to the ground.
(Matthew 7:24-28) You
don’t have to search very hard to see this scenario playing out before your
very eyes.
A word about divorce. Please understand that we are not saying that all people who
get divorced are bad Christians. Every
case is different. Sometimes,
wonderful, committed Christians end up married to someone who does not share the
same values and divorce is forced upon them.
(We hope this article will help some of you avoid that situation.)
This is not the place to discuss under which circumstances divorce is
appropriate. The point is, Jesus
welcomes everyone who is willing to come to Him, and He is willing to forgive
every sin and heal every hurt. Being divorced does not make you a bad person, and it should
not ostracize you in your local church.
Here is step # 2 in how to find love that will last a
lifetime:
2.
Use your brain! Not just your heart!
Some Christians believe that finding a mate is a kind of
“mystical” experience. For
example:
| You’re at a party.
While sipping your coke, you look and see the man of your dreams
staring at you from across the room.
Then you hear a booming voice from heaven say, “This, my child,
is the man I have destined you to marry.”
The man walks over to you, and asks you on a
date. On your third date,
he proposes marriage. You
get married and live happily ever after. |
I have heard stories that were almost as dramatic as this
example (minus the booming voice from heaven).
Occasionally, the marriage works out great, and is truly a “match made
in heaven”. However, more often,
in stories similar to this, the marriage ended up being extremely rocky, and
often ended in divorce.
In my own case, I (Marla) dated and became engaged to
someone who, after the engagement, began manifesting severe mental problems
(such as expressing desires to kill our pastor, for example).
His psychotic tendencies had been totally hidden from me and everyone he
knew – including the Christians in his church and at his Christian college –
in fact, he was in leadership at both places!
Until he started acting crazy, I had believed that he was “THE ONE”.
I had even received “prophecies” at church that he was God’s choice
for me. This was confusing, to say
the least. He had appeared to be
everything I ever wanted. Thank God
I eventually broke that engagement – but I was left with a problem: how will I
ever be able to trust again? And
how will I ever know for sure that someone is “THE ONE”?
I was traumatized by the whole experience, and really struggled in my
relationship with God for a while after that. It took a long time before I
realized that there were warning signs I had been ignoring because I
wanted to get married so badly. I
had ignored the Lord, and had not really even prayed seriously about the
decision to become engaged to him.
The Bible doesn’t specifically explain how to go about
finding a mate. But it does offer
plenty of godly wisdom that can be applied to the subject.
Most importantly, we need to seek God regarding marriage (and all other
important decisions in our lives). The
Bible says to acknowledge God in all our ways. (Proverbs 3:6)
We believe that finding a spouse is not as mystical as
many Christians think. I know many people who made the decision to marry
someone based solely on emotions – in other words, how do I feel
about this person? It is so easy to
become infatuated with someone while you’re dating, and then once you’re
married you realize you have overlooked some serious character flaws in the
person.
Of course you should be in love
with the person, but in addition to listening to your heart in this
process, we advise you to also use your BRAIN.
One of the main problems
I’ve seen with people in this process is that they say they want to know
God’s will, but they quickly become so emotionally and physically involved
that they are not able (or willing!) to hear God’s real answer. Many times people ignore the still, small voice of the Lord
telling them that something isn’t right.
Here are some practical ideas
for how to use wisdom as we search for a mate:
- Look
for character first. It’s
important to be physically attracted to your mate.
It’s a bonus if you have a lot of things in common.
But the person’s character is far and away the most important
factor in finding a good mate. Never,
never, never skimp on character. Please!
- If
you meet someone you’re crazy about, try
to purposefully limit the amount of time you spend together at first.
This will help you not be overwhelmed by your emotions.
- Avoid
becoming overly involved before you get to know the person’s character.
Otherwise, you can be blinded by your emotions (and hormones).
Character can only be tested over time.
Don’t have sex, or anything close to sex, until after you’re
married.
- Let
your friends and family (people you trust) get to know the person,
and ask them for their honest opinion, even if you really don’t want to
hear it. They will generally be
a lot more objective than you, and they want you to be happy (at least we
hope so!) There is safety in a
multitude of godly counselors. (Proverbs 15:22) No matter how difficult it is, take their opinions into
consideration, and pray about it! But,
ultimately, the decision is up to you and you have to be led by God.
Don’t let others make the decision for you, even if there’s a
“Thus saith the Lord” attached!
- Get
good pre-marital counseling. Consider
pre-engagement counseling. We’re
not talking about just getting a “rubber stamp” from your local church.
If your pastor doesn’t have time to thoroughly delve into issues
with you, find a godly counselor who does.
It’s well worth the time. Good
pre-marital counseling can also help uncover some of the “red flags” in
number 6, below.
- Look
out for “danger signs” – character deficiencies that can be
devastating to a marriage.
- The
person is addicted It sounds obvious, but you’d be surprised what people
overlook when their emotions get involved.
- The
person is not serious about following God. You must determine this by their actions more so than
their words. Words can be
cheap. If the person is not
living for God currently, but says they want to follow God, take an
objective look at their life. Are
they heading in the right direction?
Why are they not living for God now?
What evidence (not just words) do you have that this will
change in the future? Beware
the person that says, “I want to live for God, but I just can’t –
without you!” Before you
marry this type of person, you want to see real, lasting, measurable
change in their life over a period of time.
If you don’t see it before you get married, you probably won’t
see it after you get married, either.
- The
person is dishonest. Does the person lie to you?
Does he/she hide parts of his/her life from you?
Is he/she overly secretive? Dishonesty
is a major marriage-killer because it destroys trust. It is a serious character flaw.
- The
person can’t keep a job. This
could be indicative of a poor work ethic, or some other character flaw
such as irresponsibility or rebelliousness. Again,
what you see before the wedding day is probably what you will get after
you are married. Take a good
look at how your prospective spouse functions in various environments such
as work or church. If there
is a pattern of failures or broken relationships, be careful! Don’t blindly swallow the excuse that it’s always
the fault of the boss/pastor/friend/etc.
- The
person demonstrates a severe lack of financial discipline.
Does he/she have a healthy attitude towards money?
Is he/she a good steward? Does
your prospective spouse have a lot of debt?
If so, you may want to find out why. If what you see concerns you, discuss it before you
make a life-long commitment to be joined-at-the-hip financially with this
person.
- The
person refuses to acknowledge his/her own mistakes or faults.
Often, the tactic of blaming others is used here.
Be careful! I would
think long and hard before considering marrying a person who cannot be
honest about his/her own shortcomings.
The . As
issues come up in the course of the dating relationship, each partner
should begin making sincere, heartfelt efforts to correct areas of his/her
life that fall short of being Christ-like.
Our counsel is this: Before the marriage, we would like
to see both partners 1) identify and confess an area of weakness in
their life that is harming the relationship, 2) take the matter to God,
and 3) exhibit real, lasting, positive change.
This does not mean that your spouse must be perfect (no one is).
BUT, you want to see that each partner is willing to work on
issues and has enough of a relationship with God that they are able to
demonstrate real change. Believe
me, more problems will surface later.
But you know you’ll be able to handle whatever comes up if you
are confident that both of you are committed to facing and working
through issues. The
Christian life is one of continuous growth.
Marry someone who is committed to that process of becoming more
like Christ every day of his/her life.
And be one yourself.
- The
person treats others disrespectfully.
If they treat you badly while they’re still trying to “win”
you, it’s likely to only get worse once you’ve “sealed the deal”.
Real love treats others with respect.
- For
more information of this type, try Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s book Safe
People.
3.
Strive to become the best person YOU can be
If we’re going to expect our future spouse to follow hard
after God, we need to do the same. The
time to start is now. As an added
bonus, as you become healthier spiritually and emotionally, you’ll attract
better prospective marriage partners!
If you’ve been hurt badly in former relationships, ask
the Lord to help. Deal with the
pain. Also, pray about issues from
your past or behavior patterns which may hinder you in finding God’s best for
you. Do you seem to repetitively
pick people who are bad for you? Do
you pick people who all have the same major flaw?
Truly surrender the issue of marriage to God.
God wants to be first in your life.
He loves you so much, and He has a wonderful plan for your life.
Ask God if there’s any ways in which your attitudes towards marriage
are unhealthy.
Finally, be patient.
There’s never any hurry to get married. Wait until you know you’ve found the right mate.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being single.
It sure beats being unhappily married.
If your heart-felt desire is to be married, we are confident that God
has someone really good out there for you.
Don’t settle for something mediocre.
Keep seeking God and improving your own relationship with Him, practice
the things we’ve talked about in this article, and you, too, can find a love
that will last a lifetime!
One of our Freedom
Fighters (volunteers in our prayer ministry) has written an excellent
Bible-based prayer related to this subject. We highly recommend it!
Here's the link: A Prayer to Know and Fulfill God's
Will for Our Lives by Abby R.
We pray God’s greatest blessings in your life.
In Christ,
Kurt and Marla Johnson
We welcome your comments and questions.
Email us at joministries@f2s.com. |
